


Polished Faults

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: It's such a small thing, but allowing the little pieces of himself to fall into disarray is just the start of a slippery slope Magnus refuses to go down.





	Polished Faults

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this tweet/post](https://twitter.com/By_The_Angell/status/1100746749197631490).

Magnus sees the way the eyes continue to draw down towards his hands as the rest on the table or motion to something on the map hung up in front of them. He notices it, too - the black polish on his right hand is chipping. He doesn’t know how he didn’t catch it earlier, but now that he does - and now that others are, too - it’s all he can focus on. No one says anything, not that he’d expect them to. They have much more important things to worry about and even if they didn’t, they were all too kind to point out that his usual appearance standard is lacking in the absence of his magic. 

But they don’t have to say anything out loud because he sees it in their eyes with every absent gaze drawn down towards his nails instead of up at him as he speaks. He hears it in every tone of voice deliberately softened when speaking to him. 

When Alec implies his help won’t be needed Magnus grows a bit  _ too  _ insistent, even though he doesn’t mean to. His frustrations aren’t with Alec. They aren’t with any of them, but the Shadowhunters are the ones here so they’re the ones facing the brunt of his short tone, insisting with just the slightest underlying hint of panic that he can still be of help here.  _ Please _ , he thinks with more desperation than he’s comfortable admitting, _ please let me not be entirely useless to everyone now. _

And whether they’re humoring him or not, they accept his offer. He’ll show them. And in the process, he’ll show himself, too. Because maybe the reason they don’t trust him anymore is because he doesn’t believe in himself, either.  

\--- 

Magnus is washing his hands when he remembers the chipped polish. He knows they don’t have much time but surely he has enough left to fix this up before they leave again? He can hear Alec changing in the other room, switching out his holsters and activating a few runes before they have to meet up with Isabelle and figures he has a few minutes to spare. 

Magnus, instead of doing anything more practical like changing into something easier to move in, or stretching a bit before he might have to actually  _ fight _ , opens up the closet and grabs the nail polish remover and a small cotton pad. Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet seat he goes to work. 

It takes much longer than he anticipates. He forgot how tedious the process is, giving detailed attention to each finger, making sure none of the small black spots are left. At least he can do this much right. Unfortunately, one hand finished is as far as he gets before Alec leans into the doorframe. 

“C’mon, Magnus. We gotta go.” Alec says, half-distracted as he sends off a quick text. 

“...already?” Magnus looks up, surprised. How long was he sitting th're? 

“Yeah, Izzy’s already there and waiting for us.” 

Magnus looks down at his hands then back up at Alec, who finally stops to look at what his boyfriend is in the middle of. Magnus knows he can't ask him to wait five more minutes to finish his nails, and he hates that he even wants to. 

Alec can sense his hesitation and offers, “You don't have to come. It's fine, we have the map of the area, Iz and I can handle--” 

“No!” Magnus nearly shouts, and wines as Alec flinches back ever-so-slightly.  And there it is, creeping into his gut and sitting there, sinking heavy with weight: the fear from earlier over how easily Alec is ready to dismiss him. Again. His chest is tight as he fights to take a deep breath to ground himself. “I mean, that won't be necessary. Let's go.” 

Alec looks down at Magnus’ hands when he puts the remover away and almost looks like he’s about to say something before changing his mind. 

It’s fine, Magnus tells himself. He’s fine. He doesn’t need perfectly manicured nails to go out on a mission with the Lightwoods. 

But just a glimpse of his hair beginning to fall flat, of his slightly smudged eyeliner, is enough to throw him off. He doesn’t feel like himself… and he knows that some of it is because of the internal loss he suffered but it’s more than that. Because so long as he can keep up appearances he can at least pretend to be alright. He can pretend to be whole and unaffected. 

And now he can’t even do that. With his facade cracking - quite literally - it’s that much easier to notice the difference between the man he was before and the one he is now. It’s just another reminder that he can’t cover up his problems forever, no matter how much he might want to. 

“Are you sure you’re up for this? No one will fault you for it if you aren’t, you know that.” Alec’s words, like his suggestion earlier for Magnus to sit out, are meant to be reassuring: he can rest, he can recover, they aren’t expecting him to continue on the same way he did before. But all they do is make him feel babied, like he can no longer be trusted with even the simplest of tasks. 

He will not allow himself to crack and justify the concern they offer which he keeps stubbornly refusing. 

“Of course I’m up for it,” he promises, leaning in to give Alec a quick kiss on the cheek. “Now, let’s go meet Isabelle, shall we?” 

He pretends he doesn’t see when Alec’s hand starts to reach out for his as he pushes slightly ahead, shoving his right hand into the pocket of his pants instead.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
